03/01/17

When Anxiety Leaves..

A few years ago, I remember pacing up and down my hallway with tightness in my chest. Sweating and feeling light headed, awaiting my lift to bring me on this car ride to Cork. When I heard the horn beep outside I remember hesitating, sitting back down on the couch and telling myself I wasn’t going. My phone started ringing, I knew it was my friend’s in the car telling me they were downstairs and I started to feel sick. I told myself that I was dressed and ready to go but at the same time I was telling myself that I wasn’t going, that I couldn’t go. I missed the first call. I knew I only had a few seconds before the phone started to ring again and I needed to gather myself. We were heading to Cork for my friend’s baby’s Christening and it was important to me to be there as these things only happen once. My phone started to ring again and I told myself that I only had to get as far as the car, once I got into the car I would feel fine, it would be worth it. I pulled myself together, answered the phone and made my way to the car, smiling.
I remember the journey down like it was yesterday, I felt sick the whole time. Parts of the journey were fine but parts of the journey I felt like the walls were closing in on me. The further away we got from home, the more claustrophobic I began to feel. We had all arranged to come back the same evening that we left and that gave me some comfort. I was twitching and fiddling and doing everything to distract myself from thinking about how far away that we were. At that time I had no skills to deal with my anxiety and all I knew to do was breathe deeply whenever I felt my airways tighten or my head going light. I didn’t know at the time that the real reason I was feeling anxious was because we were heading somewhere out of my comfort zone, was because we were doing a journey that I had never done before. I had no comfort or reassurance to hold on to, all I was feeling was the fear of the unknown and then on top of that, the feeling of guilt for being so selfish at an important time in a friend’s life.

This past weekend, my group of friends and I headed on that same journey down to Cork, for that same friend’s wedding extravaganza. Except this time, while waiting on my lift to arrive I was sitting on the couch feeling calm. While checking my list to make sure I had packed everything, I realised that this time, making sure I had packed everything was my only worry. It’s so easy to get caught up in everyday life and living it, I hadn’t realised fully how far I had come and how much I had overcome on my anxiety journey until I was sitting there having a flashback to that exact moment a couple years previous.
During the car ride down, this time around I was able to settle and enjoy the music and the road trip with my friends (before sitting in the same seat for five hours made my bum numb). I was able to sit in the church and watch my friend get married without having to make sure I was near an exit, without twitching, without looking around me wondering who would judge me if I had to leave abruptly during the ceremony, without an ounce of nausea or dizziness. I could just live in the moment. Of course it wasn’t without some minor anxious moments but having learned techniques those moments went just as quickly as they came. Those moments felt miniscule in comparison to what I had felt previously and I was able to recognise that.
We had a lovely few days celebrating their wedding with everyone, the farm themed decor pictured was gorgeous and my friend looked so beautiful. I’m so happy that I was able to be there, mentally as well as in person.
What I’m Wearing: 
Dress: House of Maiya Here (email to purchase)
Shoes: Primark/Penneys Here
 
Thanks for reading,
F&F, xo
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Welcome to a small part of my world. Documenting the lifestyle changes I took to overcome Anxiety through Positive thought processes, Fashion, Beauty, Workouts & Recipes. Think good, Feel good, Look good and faith will overcome fear.

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