In my story, I have went through the five stages of anxiety. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Each stage holds it’s own level of importance and I have decided to dedicate a post to each individually over the next few weeks and months. Continuing with, Bargaining.
You can catch up on the Five Stages of Anxiety: Denial post Here and Anger post Here
In life, not many of us are taught that most of the time to remove the blocks preventing us from moving forward, we have to go backward. Most of us are taught to knock down the walls, scream, push, bulldoze our way through them. Most of the time this just leaves us more tired moving forward. Using up that much energy, you can only fight a few blocks before you completely crash. I have learned that when you walk backwards, to face the issue, timeframe or situation you’re trying to move forward from, the walls just begin to fall down. More often than not you realise that you were the only person putting them there and you were fighting yourself the whole time.
I continued drinking for the next two years, subconsciously to feel numb. enjoying myself, living my life with minimal anxiety. It never truly disappeared but it was no longer felt in irrational situations and more importantly no longer ruled my life or my mind. I had been running, rebelling and avoiding the issue and I got a good two years of basically freedom until I turned sixteen and it came back, out of nowhere, worse than ever, except now, alcohol couldn’t numb it for me infact it made it worse.
My root of anxiety, a lot of the time is centered around my comfort zone, like a safe haven. Whatever or wherever is my comfort zone I can relax but as soon as I leave that place, thing or person it feels like stepping into a warzone. You have this terror inside you like everyone is shooting but you have nowhere to hide, no way to protect yourself. Alcohol, at that time period was my safe haven and my comfort zone and when it stopped working, it felt like I was smack bang in the middle of a warzone and somebody just lifted the crate I was hiding under, leaving me there as a target for everyone to open fire.
The anxiety attacks just kept on coming as quick and as often as a machine gun. At one point I remember thinking, I was receiving the two years worth that I had suppressed but in a shorter space of time. It was honestly torturous yet it happened so often it almost became like I was comfortable in the torture. This was the period in my life that I let down most of my good friends at one point or another, either from not turning up to things or for bailing when they needed me. The guilt of this absolutely ate me alive, but I still never told anybody why. I usually left abruptly from places before anyone could see the attack kick in, most of the time without an explanation as that would take time and I knew it was on it’s way. Keeping quiet about everything became like a prison but I had no way out because even in all of this turmoil, I still had no explanation to give anybody. I still had no idea what was wrong with me, not properly.
I remember many times pleading to the gods to just make it stop. I was a good person, I never intentionally hurt anybody. If there was anything up there they would take it away. Without it, just this one thing, everything would be fine. I was very spiritual and I read a lot of articles on prayer and how good deeds are rewarded, I carried out the good deeds and still my anxiety attacks continued. There is only so much pleading that you can do, when you’re in desperate need of some answers, before you begin to think it’s just air up there. I lost my faith, and when you lose your faith in anything bigger than yourself, be it science, god or the universe, in pour the negative thoughts and the hopelessness. Leading me into the next stage, depression….
**Keep an eye out for the next Five Stages of Anxiety: Depression post soon**
Thanks for reading,